Faith Part 2

Once again I find myself needing to let go of worry and have faith that everything will work out in it's own time. I've been very stressed lately. The much anticipated move to Michigan is rapidly approaching. The moving truck comes in 42 days. In 43 days I set out on a cross country adventure with three kids as well as dogs and cats in tow. The insanity that is trying to drive small humans and pets cross country is going to be lessened by the fact that we are taking a little longer route so we can visit friends all across the country along the way.

Little by little things are coming together. I've got movers booked. I've got friends that volunteered to help. I've planned the road trip and know everywhere we are going to stay along the way. I'm making appointments to get new tires on the car and a DVD player installed for the trip. The last remaining detail is where the movers will be delivering our belongings and where exactly the endpoint of our cross country journey will be. The huge boulder in this path is that we are looking for a house to rent in a small town where there are precious few rentals.

So here is the part where I need to have faith. I went out there in March and the hubby and I looked at a lot of houses in a lot of towns much like the town we live in now, a suburb with mostly tract homes. What we decided is what we really wanted was a house like the one where we were staying. A house on a large lot (13 acres) in a small town. We want to give our kids room to roam and the ability to have things they've never had, like the ability to have big dogs and Kimberly wants to raise chickens. We can't do that in a tract home in the suburbs. We want our kids to have the experience of living out in the country in a small town with small schools where the teachers have the opportunity to build a relationship with each student. We decided which small town had all the things we wanted.

For the last month we have looked and looked in this town for a house for us. So far it isn't there. I'm getting worried. I'm losing sleep. So now it's time to let go and let the solution work itself out. Our perfect house is there somewhere. The one with the porch I can put a rocking chair on and the pond that the hubby can stock with fish. The one where Kimberly can have her chickens and I can plant a garden. It will have a big laundry room where I can sort and fold all the clothes without bumping into things. It will have all the room we need for our family and our enormous home office. It will have room for the piano the kids want me to get so they can take lessons. I know it is there and I just have to have faith that it will find us.

Right where I need to be

Again with the writer's block. Blech.

It's been almost two months since I've posted. I just haven't felt like I had anything to say. Overall our summer has been pretty uneventful. Mostly I'm happy about that, but it does keep me from having fodder for my blog.

The kids start school in two weeks. I wonder where my summer went. Sure we've been to some movies and I'm rocking a pretty good tan, but I still feel like we haven't done anything. Our summers used to be busy with swimming lessons and other activities. The past two summers we've spent them mostly at home doing nothing. Not to knock doing nothing. It's good to relax sometimes, but I feel rather unproductive.

For the past five days I've been in Hawaii. Not for a vacation, but to help my mother in law since my father in law is sick in the hospital. A week ago he almost died. The doctors told MIL that she needed to call her kids. It was bad. My husband was conflicted, he wanted to be here to comfort his mom, but he also needed to do some work to provide for our family. I suggested that I could come in his place. And just like that my plans for the next couple of weeks changed drastically. Immediately I was packing and getting on a plane, putting my entire life on hold for 10 days to come out here and do whatever I can. The night I arrived I looked up into the night sky and saw the big dipper. So close and so bright I felt like I could touch it. In that moment I knew, I was right where I needed to be. The big dipper has always been my personal compass. Any time I've been at any kind of crossroads in my life, and wanted reassurance that I was on the right path, if I saw the big dipper in the sky things always turned out okay. This may seem silly to you reading this, being as how the big dipper is pretty easy to recognize in the night sky, but I can tell you, there are times when you can't. Whether it is a matter of the tilt of the earth, or clouds, or whatever, there are just times that it is not there to see. And it's not as if I go looking for it either. I just happen to see it while thinking about other things. Like this time, when I looked up to the sky it was just there, the only thing I could see in the patch of sky I could see between the houses and the trees that obscured my view. So for the last five days I haven't worried about all the things at home that need to get done, or the money I spent to fly out here, or anything other than helping my MIL. All those things will work themselves out, because I am needed here, so this is where I am.

Faith

I don't often talk politics or religion on my blog. They are two subjects with a high likelihood of pissing someone off, so I shy away. Tonight though, I'm inspired.

*and yet, this post sat in my drafts for over a week while I contemplated publishing it or not.

Here's the deal. I have faith, but not religion. My mom moved around a lot when she was growing up and every new town they lived in, she and her siblings got baptized at whatever local church there was. So since she was a Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Methodist, she decided to go the absolute opposite way raising me. I was never baptised anything and left to make my own decisions regarding what I wanted to believe and which church I wanted to join. I attended just about every kind of church as a child with my friends, and I came to some conclusions of my own. I decided that it didn't matter which religion it was, the end message was the same. Be good to your fellow person, treat others in a way you would like to be treated, don't lie, cheat, steal or murder. They might take a different road to get to that conclusion, or have differing claims about what the punishments would be for failing to abide by those values, but the in the end, I really felt that they were all saying the same thing. I have spent countless hours studying all kinds of different religions. I'm fascinated by all the rituals, customs, and beliefs that each one holds, but I can't pick one that I can honestly say I believe in completely. Even though I can't say I fit into any of the major world religions, I can say that I have faith.

I know G-d exists. I see it in my children's faces, in the sunsets and the stars, and I feel it deep in my heart. Even when things in my life seem to not be going right, I have faith that there is a reason even if it isn't apparent to me right then. For that reason, I also don't have regrets. By this I mean I don't regret any of the choices I have made in my life. I try to live my life in a way that I should never need to regret my actions towards others. Every single time I have ever thought back on various turning points in my life and wondered what if I had done ________ differently, I'm faced with the realization that I would have missed out on meeting some of the most amazing and influential people in my life as well as learning from those experiences to become the person I am today.

I also have faith that I will always have everything I need. Now I'm not talking about having everything I want. I want a flat screen TV and a hot tub, but I need food, clothes, and shelter for myself and my children. The last few months have been difficult with my husband being out of work. At times it seemed that those basic needs might not get met. Every time I would start to despair, I would close my eyes find peace in knowing that although I might not be able to see the way, my needs would be met. I may not be able to see how the electric bill is going to get paid next month, but I know it will. It's amazing how when you stop expecting the answers to come from a certain place, and just have faith, that different paths open up for you that you couldn't see before. Over these past few months our needs have been met in some very unexpected ways. For that I am forever grateful, and my faith is renewed once again.