Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Through the looking glass

Today was a big day. We finally had the 504 meeting, and it went better than expected. Kimberly's teacher came to the meeting with a list of accomodations that she has been providing and seeing success with in the classroom. Could this be the same woman who told me a few weeks ago that she didn't think Kimberly needed a 504? Now I have to wait for them to actually write up the plan and review it, but I think (finally) the worst of it is over.

As for myself, today was the day that I started my ADD treatment. I finally decided, after several years of speculating that I had it, to go and get myself diagnosed and see if it didn't make a difference in my life. It took quite a lot to get to this point. It's hard to admit that there is something wrong with you, and that you don't have control over yourself. I've spent the last few years believing that if I got this far without treatment I didn't need it. But just as I tell my daughter that she needs to take her pills to help her do better at school, would the pills not help me to do better in life? Am I setting a good example for her by not getting myself treatment? So I made an appointment and went. Even on the way there I debated whether I really wanted to take this step. After speaking to the doctor and going over the list of reasons that I felt I was most likely ADD, he agreed. He gave me a prescription and encouraged me to make an appointment with a therapist. This was already the next step in my plan because now I realize that I am not the things I have thought I was for so long. I'm not lazy, I'm not a procrastinator, I can finish what I start, but I needed the proper tools.

This morning was surreal. As I opened the bottle and took out the pill I thought about the consequenses (and the Matrix). Take the pill and know the truth. Take the pill and truly be awake for the first time. Take the pill and realize my potential. It was scary. There is something very comforting about what is already known. If I didn't take the pill my life would go on as it always had. I would continue to do the things I always did. I wouldn't have to re-learn how to do anything. I wouldn't have to admit I was less than perfect. I wouldn't have to face the world as an adult with ADD. I could go on being the quirky girl that my friends, husband, and kids love who can't ever remember where she left her car. In the end I chose to take the pill. We will see what happens now.