Notes to self for next Christmas

1. Don't bother getting expensive video games and mp3 players for the youngest. She will just bitch that you didn't get her that crap she saw on TV that she asked for. The crap you didn't get her because you did that last year (quick gems). You told her it would pull her hair, and she assured you that the commercial insisted that it didn't. Well sure as shit, if you put something with a tiny spring in your hair, it doesn't come out without pulling. So after one quick gems removal session, she didn't want that thing anywhere near her head. This year you thought you'd be nice and not get her crap, and instead got her something expensive and cool, but she had the nerve to come and say "Why didn't you buy me the crap I saw on TV?". Now of course she didn't actually say crap, but since you weren't really listening to which crap in particular it was that she was upset about not receiving, you can't write it here now. Next year remember, the youngest is the TV commercial queen. Get her a Chia Pet, a Snuggie, or that Mighty Putty, she'll be happy.

2. Of all the weeks to forget to put out the trash cans for collection, this is not the one. Yesterday the oldest child actually saw the trash cans inside were full and emptied them without being asked, but when she took the trash out she put it next to the can because the can was full. It was so much fun waking up Christmas Day to the remnants of the party the dogs had the night before with the two bags of trash. Make a note to yourself or something, set up an Outlook reminder now, just don't forget to take the cans out next year.

3. Make the kids wear face masks to prevent infection the week before Christmas. Being up with the youngest child until midnight in a steamy bathroom so she can breathe makes Santa reallllly late. Consequently it's really hard to get up in the morning. Plus it made your hair look so nice for Christmas morning pictures. If you dig the frizzy look.

4. No matter how late Santa ends up being, don't forget to make sure the reindeer eat the food that was left out. Telling the reindeer feeding child that the reindeer were already full from all the other reindeer food they had been eating in all the other time zones didn't fly so well.

5. Use duct tape to wrap packages so the middle child's wrapping doesn't accidentaly on purpose fall off. Or put them in other boxes, like for crock pots like your aunt did to you as a child so even if you peeked, you still didn't know shit.

6. Even though you normally don't give the middle child her ADD meds on weekends or school vacations, today probably would have been a good exception to this rule.

7. Don't try recipes for the first time Christmas day. Although you lucked out with the Sweet Potato Casserole, the Potatoes Au Gratin needed serious help.

8. Make sure you are fully stocked on the essentials before Christmas day, because the only thing open Christmas night will be the little mini market in the ghetto.

9. One bottle of wine was not enough.